Funny Lawyer Questions and Exchanges

The following funny lawyer questions and witness response were actually said in court during trials.


This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
I forget.
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


Sir, what is your IQ?
Well, I can see pretty well, I think.


Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Did you check for blood pressure?
Did you check for breathing?
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.


Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

6 - Funny Lawyer Questions

Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.


You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.


Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.


What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan!


Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
John Fletcher.
That's you?
Yes, sir.
And you were present when the picture was taken, right?


Did the lady standing at the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
Yes, she did.
Who did she say she was?
She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.


Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
We both do.
We do.
You do?
Yes, voodoo.


She had three children, right?
How many were boys?
Were there any girls?


ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?


I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
How long have you known him?


What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?

18 - Funny Lawyer Questions

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.


You went on a rather elaborated honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, Sir.
And you took your new wife?


... and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?


What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?


You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
And these stairs, did they go up also?


What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?


Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.


And where was the location of the accident?
Approximately milepost 499.
And where is milepost 499?
Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

27 - Funny Lawyer Questions

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.


... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.


Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or a female?


Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.

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