FUNNY ATTORNEY JOKES

Here's a collection of some funny attorney jokes we could find.

1

A town in Texas finally got the funds needed for the construction of a small bridge.

In order to wisely spend the tax payer's money, the mayor set up a meeting with the three construction companies that were interest in bidding for the project.

The mayor's secretary sends in the first construction company's owner, who was also a respected engineer.
The Mayor asks: "So, how much would you charge me to build the bridge?"
"Three Million Dollars." Responded the engineer.
"Why 3 Million?" Wondered the mayor.
"Well, one million is the cost of construction material, one million is the cost of labor and one million is my profit."

The second construction company's owner, who was also a real state investor, enters the office.
The Mayor asks: "So, how much would you charge me to build the bridge?"
"Six Million Dollars." Responded the real state investor.
"How did you come up with that figure?" Wondered the mayor.
"Well, two million is the cost of construction material, two million is the cost of labor and two million is my profit."

The third and last construction company's owner, who was also a lawyer, steps in.
Again, the Mayor asks: "So, how much would you charge me to build the bridge?"
"Ten Million Dollars, Mr. Mayor." Answered the lawyer.
"Wait a minute, the first guy asked me for 3 million, the second was more expensive and asked me for six. But 10 million? How the hell did you come up with that figure?" Questioned the mayor.
"Well, it's very simple. Three million for ME, three million for YOU, we pay three million for the engineer to build it, and we still got one million we can use to throw a huuuuge-ass party."


2

At trial, the judge says to the defendant:

Do you know you have chosen the worst kind of scam to be your accomplice?

Yes, I do your honor. I couldn't find any honest people to help me.

3

A lawyer finally saved enough money to buy his dream car: a brand new Ferrari.

The next day he decided to put the new machine to test on the freeway. He steps in the gas and the car rapidly reaches 120mph. He notices a Highway Patrol cruiser behind him with lights flashing and the siren blaring. He thought: "He'll never get me, not in this car." and buried his right foot in the gas, 140, 160, 200... and the cruiser still behind him. So, he finally gave up and pulled over.

The HP officer approaches, asks for his documents, then: "I just had a horrible day and my shift is already over. So, if you give me an excuse I've never heard before for you to be driving like this, I'll let you go."

The lawyer tough for a moment and said: "See Officer, last week my wife left me for a HP Officer and I was afraid it was him behind me trying to give her back."

"You have a nice night, then." Said the officer and left.

4

A blonde and a lawyer found themselves sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asked the blonde to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time she asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde fifty dollars.

The lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without a word the blonde paid the lawyer five dollars.

The blonde then asked him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?"

The lawyer thought about it for a long time, but finally gave up. He handed the blonde a $50 bill, and asked her what the answer was.

Without saying a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

5

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."

6

Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.

They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.

When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

7

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.

"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"

8

George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

9

At two in the morning, the phone rang at the governor's mansion. An aide found himself talking to a local attorney, who insisted that he must speak to the governor immediately.

Despite pleas to postpone his call until morning, the attorney insisted that the call was over a matter of utmost urgency, and that he could not wait. Eventually, the aide reluctantly decided to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Cassidy just died," announced the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The Governor shot back, "It's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker."

10

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, asshole. You ain't got the balls to shoot me.'"

11

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.

He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back

"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

12

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

13

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the attorney a $100 bill.

After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

14

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

15

The morning after a firm's senior partner passed away unexpectedly, the law firm receptionist answered the phone.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the caller.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the caller again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

16

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.

After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.

However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner - I had to do all the work."

17

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you 5 thousand."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

18

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beuatiful model walking towards them.

"What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to f*** her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?

19

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $5,000, and I just found out about it!"

20

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

21

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"



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