A couple of friends meet after a long time:
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
In the middle of a trial, the judge asks the defendant:
"You didn't bring your attorney today?"
"No, your honor. I've decided to tell the truth.
What are the 3 most frequent questions a lawyer asks?
"How much money do you have?"
"Where can you get more?"
"Do you have anything you can sell?"
Two lawyers, a father and son, talk in the office:
"Dad, I can't believe I've lost that case. I don't know what to do!"
"Don't worry, son. Lawyers never lose. The client is the one who lost."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
What do you get when you join together a lawyer and a librarian?
All the information you'll ever need, but you will not understand a word of it.
What's the difference between an onion and a lawyer?
You cry when you stick a knife in an onion.
A client in bloody clothes and drenched in sweat rushes into the lawyer's office:
"You are the only one who can help me now. I've just killed my wife."
The lawyer calmly stands. "Wait a minute, it's not quite like that. THEY are SAYING you killed your wife."
Changing lawyers in the middle of a case is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." - Benjamin Franklin.
A good lawyer is a bad neighbor.
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig:
after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
Because St. Patrick only chased the snakes out of Ireland.
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?
Ten pounds - but that includes the urn.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
"I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?"
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."
Why have some cities outlawed lawyers from going to the beach?
Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Lawyer: “Law office, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson.... He was arrested for stealing a car.”
“Okay, can you give me details?”
"Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”
“What kind of car did he steal?”
“A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty.”
“Okay, and what type of car does he have?”
“Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”
When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
Have you looked through her briefs?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Think you can get me off?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
He is one hard judge!
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
You believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
Your other car is a BMW.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.